Elizabeth Gilbert wrote “Eat, Pray, Love” and a bunch of other books and she did an advice column on when to let someone give YOU advice.

In her 20’s, she had a friend who loved to be brutally honest with her. But she realized that when someone asks if they can be “brutally honest,” they tend to go heavy on the brutal part.

So she came up with four questions she asks herself before she values anyone’s feedback on her writing, or life in general. And the answer to all four has to be yes:

1. “Do I trust the person’s taste and judgement?” If not, there’s no point in asking.

2. “Do they understand what I’m trying to do?” Because if they don’t get it, their opinion probably doesn’t really matter.

3. “Do they genuinely want me to succeed?” Some people let their ego get in the way, and aren’t really trying to be helpful.

4. “Are they capable of delivering the truth in a sensitive and compassionate way?”

She says the last one is the most important. Because unless they can do it with a dose of kindness, it’ll just discourage you and hold you back.